Will
Rogers
Said:YUKS
Quotes page 8
Will
Rogers
Said:
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and
missionaries.
A fool and his
money are soon elected.
A holding
company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman
searches you.
A man only
learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter
people.
A remark
generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
About all I can
say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with
an investigation.
Advertising is
the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they
don't need.
Alexander
Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our
country has ever been to being even.
All I know is
just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
America is a
nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think
of nothing to do once it gets there.
America is
becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the
select few.
An economist's
guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
An ignorant
person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
An onion can
make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Ancient Rome
declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a
House and a Senate?
Anything
important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some
man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
Be thankful
we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Being a hero is
about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Buy land. They
ain't making any more of the stuff.
Chaotic action
is preferable to orderly inaction.
Communism to me
is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
Democrats never
agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other,
they would be Republicans.
Diplomacy is
the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Diplomats are
just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take
diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Do the best you
can, and don't take life too serious.
Don't gamble;
take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then
sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Don't let
yesterday use up too much of today.
Even if you are
on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Even if you're
on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Even though you
are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there.
Everybody is
ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everything is
changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a
joke.
Everything is
funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
Everything is
funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Get someone
else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.
Half our life
is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through
life trying to save.
I am not a
member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
I bet after
seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."
I don't know
jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
I don't make
jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
I guess there
is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been
depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself
you forget to hate your enemies.
I have a scheme
for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have
paid for the last one.
I never
expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now
do.
I read about
eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it
eight times.
I'm not a
member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a real
movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years
ago.
If advertisers
spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on
advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
If I studied
all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one
session of congress.
If Stupidity
got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If the other
fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell
cheaper than him, that's mass production.
If the world
comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years
later.
If you can
build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
If you ever
injected truth into politics you have no politics.
If you make any
money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your
pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
If you want to
be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are
doing. And believe in what you are doing.
In Hollywood
the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If
they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
In Hollywood
you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the
day time.
Instead of
giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a
constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works
as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the
smartest race of people on earth.
It isn't what
we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
It's a good
thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's easy being
a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
It's not what
you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Last year we
said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
Let advertisers
spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on
advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
Lettin' the cat
outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Liberty doesn't
work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
Live in such a
way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Make crime pay.
Become a lawyer.
Money and women
are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
Never let
yesterday use up too much of today.
Now if there is
one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody
else's affairs.
Ohio claims
they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United
States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
On account of
being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world
that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
One Ad is worth
more to a paper than forty Editorials.
One-third of
the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
Our
constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
People are
getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience,
be their guide.
People who fly
into a rage always make a bad landing.
People's minds
are changed through observation and not through argument.
Politics has
become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
Politics is
applesauce.
Prohibition is
better than no liquor at all.
So let's be
honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the
other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
So live that
you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Take the
diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
The 1928
Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to
bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us
ought to get it without even asking.
The best way
out of a difficulty is through it.
The difference
between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to
live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.
The farmer has
to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.
The fellow that
can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with
the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't
make anybody believe that he has it.
The income tax
has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The man with
the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up
every morning and say, "How is the president?"
The more that
learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a
little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you
think somebody owes you a living.
The more you
observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the
other.
The more you
read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is
worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
The movies are
the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The only
difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time
Congress meets.
The only time
people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
The only way
you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
The schools
ain't what they used to be and never was.
The time to
save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment
on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
The United
States never lost a war or won a conference.
The worst thing
that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the
best of you.
There are three
kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
There is no
more independence in politics than there is in jail.
There is
nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was
educated in.
There ought to
be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
There's no
trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's only
one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
Things ain't
what they used to be and never were.
Things in our
country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
This country
has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold
of a hammer.
This thing of
being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
We are all here
for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
We can't all be
heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
We don't seem
to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of
business?
We will never
have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
What the
country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
When ignorance
gets started it knows no bounds.
When should a
college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an
amateur.
When the Oakies
left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
When you put
down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did
do well, that's Memoirs.
Why don't they
pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If
it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the
smartest race of people on Earth.
Worrying is
like paying on a debt that may never come due.
You can't say
civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
You can't say
that civilization don't advance; for in every war they kill you a new way.
You've got to
go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.