YUKS
Quotes page 7
Mark
Twain
Said:
A lie can travel half way around the world while
the truth is putting on its shoes.
A man cannot be
comfortable without his own approval.
A man is never
more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
A man who
carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
A man's
character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in
conversation.
A person who
won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
A person with a
new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
A round man
cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away.
He must have time to
modify his shape.
Action speaks
louder than words but not nearly as often.
Advertisements
contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Against the
assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Age is an issue
of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
All
generalizations are false, including this one.
All right,
then, I'll go to hell.
All you need in
this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
All you need is
ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Always do
right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Anger is an
acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is
stored than to anything
on which it is poured.
Any emotion, if
it is sincere, is involuntary.
Apparently
there is nothing that cannot happen today.
As an example
to others, and not that I care for moderation myself,
it has always been my rule
never to smoke when asleep, and never
to refrain from smoking when awake.
Be careful
about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Be careless in
your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
Better a broken
promise than none at all.
Biographies are
but the clothes and buttons of the man.
The biography of the man himself cannot
be written.
But who prays
for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had
the common humanity to pray for
the one sinner that needed it most?
Buy land,
they're not making it anymore.
By trying we
can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Civilization is
the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
'Classic.' A
book which people praise and don't read.
Climate is what
we expect, weather is what we get.
Clothes make
the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Courage is
resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Denial ain't
just a river in Egypt.
Do the right
thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Do the thing
you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Don't go around
saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here
first.
Don't let
schooling interfere with your education.
Don't part with
your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist,
but you have ceased to
live.
Don't say the
old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Don't tell fish
stories where the people know you; but particularly,
don't tell them where they
know the fish.
Drag your
thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels,
or any other way
you can manage it.
Education
consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Everything has
its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
Everything
human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself
is not joy but sorrow.
There is no humor in heaven.
Facts are
stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Familiarity
breeds contempt - and children.
Few things are
harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Fiction is
obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Forgiveness is
the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
George
Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest
accomplishments of youth. He
could not even lie.
Get your facts
first, then you can distort them as you please.
Giving up
smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because
I've done it thousands
of times.
Go to Heaven
for the climate, Hell for the company.
God made the
Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Golf is a good
walk spoiled.
Good breeding
consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves
and how little we think of
the other person.
Good friends,
good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Grief can take
care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to
divide it with.
Grief can take
care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to
divide it with.
He is now
rising from affluence to poverty.
Honesty is the
best policy - when there is money in it.
Humor is
mankind's greatest blessing.
Humor must not
professedly teach and it must not professedly preach,
but it must do both if it
would live forever.
I am an old man
and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
I can live for
two months on a good compliment.
I didn't attend
the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
I don't give a
damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
I don't like to
commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
I have been
complimented many times and they always embarrass me;
I always feel that they
have not said enough.
I have made it
a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
I have never
let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never
taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I make it a
rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
I must have a
prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it
up.
I never let
schooling interfere with my education.
I was gratified
to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I was seldom
able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
I've never let
my school interfere with my education.
Ideally a book
would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
If man could be
crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
If you hold a
cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you tell the
truth, you don't have to remember anything.
In the first
place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
In the Spring,
I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
It ain't those
parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that
I do understand.
It ain't what
you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just
ain't so.
It could
probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly
native
criminal class except Congress.
It is better to
deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
It is better to
deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
It is better to
keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and
remove all doubt.
It is better to
take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
It is by the
goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakably precious
things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience,
and the prudence never to
practice either of them.
It is curious
that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so
rare.
It is easier to
stay out than get out.
It is just like
man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his
dull perceptions.
It is not best
that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse
races.
It usually
takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
It was
wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
It's good
sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
It's no wonder
that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
It's not the
size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Kindness is the
language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Laws control
the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Let us live so
that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Let us make a
special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some
conversation.
Let us not be
too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Life would be
infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually
approach eighteen.
Lord save us
all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Loyalty to
petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Loyalty to the
country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Man - a
creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Man is the only
animal that blushes - or needs to.
Man was made at
the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Man will do
many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Many a small
thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
Martyrdom
covers a multitude of sins.
My books are
like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks
water.
My mother had a
great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Name the
greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Necessity is
the mother of taking chances.
Never put off
till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.
Never put off
till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
No sinner is
ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
Noise proves
nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an
asteroid.
Nothing so
needs reforming as other people's habits.
Often it does
seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
One of the most
striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Only kings,
presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the
editorial "we."
Only one thing
is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Part of the
secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it
out inside.
Patriot: the
person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
Patriotism is
supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
Principles have
no real force except when one is well-fed.
Prophesy is a
good line of business, but it is full of risks.
Prosperity is
the best protector of principle.
Reader, suppose
you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat
myself.
Repartee is
something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Soap and
education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long
run.
Sometimes too
much to drink is barely enough.
Substitute
"damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it
and the writing will be just as it should be.
Such is the
human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
Suppose you
were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The best way to
cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
The Christian's
Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice
changes.
The difference
between the right word and the almost right word is the difference
between
lightning and a lightning bug.
The educated
Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.
The fear of
death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at
any time.
The first of
April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
The human race
has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The human race
has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
The human race
is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying
a banner.
The lack of
money is the root of all evil.
The main
difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
The man who
does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who is
a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows
too little.
The more things
are forbidden, the more popular they become.
The more you
explain it, the more I don't understand it.
The most
interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and
then stop.
The only way to
keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and
do what you'd rather not.
The Public is
merely a multiplied "me."
The public is
the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
The reports of
my death have been greatly exaggerated.
The right word
may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
The rule is
perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The secret
source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
The trouble
ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed
right.
The very ink
with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The wit knows
that his place is at the tail of a procession.
There are
basically two types of people. People who accomplish things,
and people who
claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
There are lies,
damned lies and statistics.
There are
people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their
happiness to the unhappy.
There are
people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from
telling their
happinesses to the unhappy.
There are
several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
There are times
when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
There is a
charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
There is no
distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
There is no
sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Thousands of
geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
Thunder is
good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.
Thunder is
good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
To be good is
noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
To refuse
awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
To succeed in
life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
Truth is mighty
and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
Truth is
stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to
possibilities; Truth isn't.
Truth is the
most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Under certain
circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Water, taken in
moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
We Americans...
bear the ark of liberties of the world.
We are all
alike, on the inside.
We have the
best government that money can buy.
What a good
thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
What a wee
little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led
in his head,
and is known to none but himself.
What is the
difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only
your skin.
What would men
be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
What, sir,
would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir,
almighty scarce.
When a person
cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other
people.
When angry,
count to four; when very angry, swear.
When I was
younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
When in doubt
tell the truth.
When people do
not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much
respects himself.
When red-haired
people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
When we
remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
When you fish
for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
When your
friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're
getting old.
Whenever you
find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Why is it that
we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the
person involved.
Why shouldn't
truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Wit is the
sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any
relation.
Words are only
painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
Work consists
of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not
obliged to do.
Work is a
necessary evil to be avoided.
Wrinkles should
merely indicate where smiles have been.
You can't
depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.