Jokes Page 13

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                                                                                Did you hear the one about.....


When the fight started....

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight  started . . .


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started . . .


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the  garage.  I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded 
to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's 
back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started . . .


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.  The woman, bewildered, 
jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy S*#t. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on 
the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned to his senses and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were  you running?"

And that's when the fight started . . .


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of 
cold cream for $7.95.  I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 And that's when the fight started . . .


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw 
and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 And that's when the fight started . . .


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for  herself."

And that's when the fight started . . .


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken 
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up 
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started . . .


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was 
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver  hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social 
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your  pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And that's when the fight started . . .


Have You Ever Danced ?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of  El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man 
headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon 
and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and 
clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey 
in the other.. 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"  
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to.." 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,   "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," 
and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started 
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned 
around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, 
and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned 
around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared 
at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever 
kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

Lessons to be learned:

Don't be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

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